HP and the Missing Fluffy Sleeping Device
by FairyPrincessofBurkinaFas
Summary: Harry wakes up to find that his pillow is missing? can he function without such an important element in his life? will the famous Hogwarts trio be able to recover the bit of fluff Harry sleeps on each night? Will Dumbledore ever ski again? R
1. It's gone, Harry, it's gone

Harry Potter and the Missing Fluffy Sleeping Device

Chapter one

On a particularly cold night in Surrey, most of the occupants of number four Privet Drive were in bed asleep. Except for one. A snowy white owl sat awake, perched in her wire cage. Her amber eyes searched the room in which her owner, Harry Potter, lay sleeping under a ratty old sheet. She saw nothing unusual, so she took flight to report to the man who watches over him. She hurried for no reason whatsoever, Tom was a patient man.

Harry was dreaming about spelunking for cheese dip. All of a sudden he felt like he was falling, only a short distance though. Then he threw his arm out straight, with his hand like he was holding an invisible softball, then he woke up. But something was wrong. He flipped over suddenly, his jet black untidy hair falling in his face, and his vibrant green eyes widened. His pillow was gone.

But the minute he realized the unthinkable he knew his pillow hadn't just fallen to the ground, no, this was dark magic. Harry could feel the darkness of the force billowing around in his small room. There was only one thing to do. He turned on his light and rolled off of his bed. Harry walked over to his small desk and wrote out two letters to his best friends. They read:

_Ron,_

_Great to hear the twins are doing better than ever. Always knew they would. Everything's was great _

_here except Dudley's gone and tripped down a hill. He rolled all the way down and hit a parked car now _

_my Aunt and Uncle owe the car owner a lot of money. _

_Ron, I woke up in the middle of the night and found something wrong. My pillow's gone. I think Vold-_

_emort is behind this and I don't think I'm very safe in the muggle world. Please tell someone there that I _

_want to come to London and get away from here. Soon._

_Hope you're having more fun than me,_

_-Harry_

_Hermione,_

_I haven't heard from you in a while. Hope your doing alright. I was fine until a few moments ago. _

_I woke up in the middle of the night and found something wrong. My pillow's gone. I think Voldemort _

_is behind this and I don't think I'm very safe in the muggle world. Now, don't fret, I just want to get to _

_Grimmauld place as soon as possible._

_Your friend,_

_-Harry_

"That should do it." he said aloud. He turned to Hedwig's cage to attach the letters to her leg but she was gone. _Probably out hunting_ he thought, _I'll just have to wait._ So he sat on his bed and waited. He looked out into the cold july night and wondered what was taking Hedwig so long to get home. Harry sat there so long he eventually just dozed off, the letters still gripped in his hand.

A loud crack woke him up.

"Hello Potter. Fancy seeing you here." a cold, drawling voice said. Harry sat up stright.

"Oh hi, Professor Dumbledore, still have that cough I see." he responded.

"Yes, Harry, I'm afraid so. I've been sucking on large amounts of cough drops but nothing seems to be working. I just can't make it go away. Do you think you could help me with my dilemma?"

"Ah, but Professor, I have a dilemma of my own. You see this morning when I awoke it was as any other day would have started. But this was not just any other day. Today is the day I become a man, today is the day I set off to find my pillow."

"It's gone! That is preposterous! I thought I felt a draft when I first apparated but that must have been dark magic. My sense of smell isn't what it used to be, my boy."

"Understandable, you're what? 138 now?"

"Oh, dear boy you flatter me. But I am not as young as I look. I'll give you a wink and we'll go with 138 shall we?" He winked.

"My lips are sealed, old fruit, but back to the main problem here."

"Oh yes, yes, the pillow. Well you see, Harry, some things I just can't help you with, some things you are meant to determine on your own."

"Like a journey of self discovery, Professor?"

"Well if you look at it like that, I was thinking more about the arthritis in my knee and how I'm going to have to sit this one out."

"Oh. So it's not really a matter of my maturing as a person and growing outside of Privet Drive and even the whole wizarding world?"

"Nope. Just my knee."

"You should have said something to me."

"An old man's mistake, Harry, an old man's mistake."

"So you'll be sending me to Grimmauld Place right away?"

"Well...I hadn't though of that but it is a brilliant idea. Very well to Grimmauld Place." Dumbledore waved his wand and Harry fell down right on top of Crookshanks. Damn cat.


	2. The massage that never was

Chapter two

"Harry, how good to see you, dear!" Said the familiar voice of Mr. Weasley.

"Hello, Mr. Weasley." Harry said with a sigh. He could see a bombardment of questions coming on. That man just cannot get enough of the muggle world.

"So how's your summer been?" he asked hurredly.

"Er...good I suppose, the whole car ordeal was rather funny, you see-"

"Sounds hilarious," Arthur cut him off, "And I'm sure we'll have time for story telling later, but for now could you tell me how to work these warming massage oils. I bought them in a muggle store and I just can't figure them out. I'm afraid Molly has a bit of a rash from me trying..."

"Well Mr. Weasley I really would like to give a demonsration but right now I really think I should get upstairs and see Ron and Hermione."

"Oh brill idea, Harry. So can you practice on them and show me later?"

"Sure." Harry took the bottle of hot pink liquified sex and ran upstairs to see his friends.

"Oh Harry how positively brill to see you!" called his best friend.

"Yes Harry I've been awaiting your arrival with much anticipation." Hermione said.

His friends both flung on him in a very friendly hug and Ron spotted the bottle in his hand.

"Oh Harry for me? You shouldn't have!" he shouted a bit louder than nessessary.

"I didn't. It's from your Dad." Harry informed him not really helping his obviously awkward position of appearing quite queer although this story contains no obvious slash.

"Oh. Well I knew he loves me..." he said.

Hermione whose eyebrows were raised quite high said, "Harry, about your letters, this is something that cannot be ignored."

"I know okay! Will you all stop treating me like I'm five-years-old! So I had to redo a year in primary school. I'm fine now! I understand things you don't! I've been on the dark side, I changed the lightbulb! It's over now, alright!"

"I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't realize we were treating you quite like that." Hermione said in a quiet voice.

Ron leaned sideways and whispered in her ear, "Well it's so not true! We have been treating him like he's at least 8! He's too sensitive. Softie." Ron rolled his eyes.

Harry told them about his conversation with Dumbledore and they both nodded their heads as if they understood. Fools. They have no idea of the nightmares Harry has had.

"That's it!" Harry shouted, "The dream! It's the key!"

"What dream? Harry you haven't told us about any dream. was it about a girl?"

"No, Ron, that's not it at all-"

"Oh! So who was he?"

"Ron! It wasn't about some bloke either! It was about plunking in a cave searching for cheese! It's all so clear now!"

"Oh, you've cleaned your glasses I see." Hermione noted, "and you mean _spelunking_ not 'plunking.'"

"No it was plunking."

"No. Harry it wasspelunking. Look at the first chapter."

"Oh yeah..." Harry responded, "I guess your right."

"Snape's behind it!" Ron shouted.

"Behind what, Ron?" Hermione asked him, "The cheese?" They all had a hearty laugh at her crappy humor.

"No silly," Ron told her matter-of-factly, "Behind trying to kill Harry."

"Ron nobody's tried to kill Harry since last year at the Dept. Of Mysteries."

"He was behind it!"

"Ron that was Vol-"

_Gasp!_

"Ron you'll have to get used to it one day soon."

"No, it's not that I just have to sneeze."

"Oh alright go ahead."

"Well now that you've said that I don't have to anymore!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Come on, you two. I'm tired I'm going to bed." Hermione hushed them.

"Yeah," Ron yawned, "So am I I'm going to go to sleep now as well."

"Wait! Guys!" Harry called behind his friends, "I haven't a pillow! I can't sl-" The door slammed into his nose. Word.


	3. Marmalade pfh idiots

Chapter three

Harry eventually did fall asleep. Even though he didn't have his precious pillow he found a small woodchuck and that was a fine subsitute for a night or two. When he woke up in the moring he heard the rain smacking the roof like an underpaid prostitute would slap her client. He rolled out of bed and started to walk down the stairs for breakfast. It didn't work. He tripped and just ended up rolling the rest of the way. But he did get there eventually, so it's all good.

When he walked into the small dining room he saw a strange sight. He had expected to see everyone eating buttered toast and laughing merrily until the moment they laid eyes on him, then, of course, they would all quiet and hold a moment of silence for the kidnapped pillow. That was not at all what he saw. When he walked into the dining room they were all sitting around the table laughing merrily and eating toast with _marmalade_ on it. When he entered they all quieted and held a moment of silence for Harry's beloved pillow. Then Harry sat down and they all continued to eat thier toast. With _marmalade_.

Harry, Ron and Hermione kept glancing at each other all morning as if to say "I know what's coming and yooooooou dooooooon't." even though the others clearly did because they were glancing those same glances. When the last crumbs of marmaladed toast had been polished off the cheap Chinette plates the famous trio headed upstaris to discuss the game plan.

"So we leave today." Hermione said softly.

"Yeah, we do don't we." Harry sighed a long sighish sigh.

They looked at Ron. "What?" he said, "I know we're leaving and so do you I don't reeeeally have to say anything do I?"

"Well yeah, Ron," Hermione said in a very _Duh!_ tone, "We are the _trio,_ we kind of expect you to say something third."

"Why third? Why can't I be first?" he snapped back at her, "Harry always gets to be first?"

"Ron! I wasn't first!"

"So why does Hermione always get to be first?"

"She doesn't!"

"So?!"

Harry and Hermione raised thier eyebrows at Ron.

"What?" he said, "Is the lipgloss too much?"

They rolled their eyes at thier little red-headed beauty queeny-thing. What? I mean, he's not exactly a _King_. The Slytherins were really off with that little chant of theirs.

"Let's get packing!" Hermione announced loudly to break the silence that had crept in oh so silently.

"What should we pack?" Harry asked her.

"Pop tarts, a blanket, oh! Ooh and that massage oil." she exclainmed excitedly.

Harry smiled at her seductively but she didn't blush half a red as Ron did. The shade of pinkish-red really matched that glare he was shooting at Harry.

"C'mon guys." Hermione said in a very final tone, "Let's _go."_


	4. emma's plan

Chapter four

They walked out the front door of Number twelve Grimmauld Place very well groomed that day. They each carried a stick with an artfully tied polka dot handkercheif containing some cheap mass produced pastries and fleece blankets with festive Disney prints on them. The prints they each selected on their blankets was an extreme use of symbolism involving the traits of the characters, therefore I will not be including the prints they selected in this chapter for the sake of ruining the effect of lightheadedness and good ol' fun that this story portrays.

Hermione glanced at her pretty little black watch, it read _eight forty seven._ They walked for what seemed like hours. They walked through rain and snow. That was really wet rain. The snow was wet too. Eventually they ended up at King's Cross Station.

"Why are we here" Ron asked, a quizzical look upon his carefully exfoliated features. Hermione glanced at her watch, _eight forty nine._

"Ronald" Emma (Hermione never uses the term Ronald so evertime the term Ronald is used she will be reffered to as Emma, get used to it sucker) said exasperatedly"It's September first. School starts today."

"But we haven't gotten our books and other school supplies yet! My robes are a sad tone of grey because of the Woolite boycott! I can't go looking like this" Harry argued.

"Harry" Hermione looked stern"You have to go to school. You can borrow some of my robes for tonight and then"She lowered her voice drastically and leaned in close to her friends"We'll sneak out and Floo to Diagon Alley tonight. No one will know. We can even pull a Carson and use low gauge sandpaper and rock salt to distress our clothes so they don't look new"

"But isn't the sandpaper for leather" Ron whispered.

"I didn't say we were only getting robes." Hermione smirked"So is it a plan"

Ron looked determined"Only if I can borrow your robes tonight too."

"Alright."

"Let's go" Ron yelled, attracting glances from some passing prison guards and their pet ponies.

"Ronald..." Emma glared at him.

"Sorry." he whispered and boarded the train followed by his friends.

Heavenly Father,

We thank you for the rain

We thank you for the sun,

We thank you for the rainbow,

It makes rainy days more fun.


	5. Here's to evil, shirtless blonde men

Chapter five

When they arrived at Hogwarts the all took their seats in the Great Hall as the first years were ushered in and called up one by one to sit on a stool that alternated between three and four legs, occasionally causing one of the children to fall over and be shamelessly laughed at by the rest of the students in the hall resulting in lowered self-esteem, weaker targets for bullies and upset tummy. Harry and companions sat down side by side at the table and watched boredly as their inferiors clattered to the floor over and over.

"Bumm, Watta." McGonagall called. Watta Bumm sat on the stool. SMACK!

"Reel, Thad-Kent B." Thad-Kent B. Reel sat on the stool. PLOP!

Naweh C. Sa Vergen sat on the stool. SPLAT!

And more eleven-year-old, overly intimidated kids sat on the stool, resulting in resounding BOOM, CRASH, BAM, SLURP, POP! and KABAM!s.

Ron was inspecting each new student with a relish. And a dab of mustard here and there too. He was somewhat pleased by the turnout, Usually the newbies were quite dull, but then again, it might just be the mood that he's in because he gets to wear Hermione's school rones which are pretty comfy. And as he sat there, mindlessly checking out the arses of both female and male eleven-year olds in a very Jackson-like manner, he couldn't help but wonder why women get all the comfortable clothing in life. And he's sorta right, you know? I mean, honestly, the _women_ get to wear thongs no problem because that's _hot_, but a guy in a banana hammock is just kinky. _That's not right, _Ron thought, _and I, for one, am not going to just sit here and let this injustice pass!_

"It's not right!" he yelled to the suprise of the Creevey brothers on either side of him who quickly halted the massaging of his thighs(which, by the way, is by no means obvious slash), "No woman wearing a thong is labeled kinky, why should we be! Can we really let this go undefended? Can we really let this wrong let never to be made a right? NO! We shall stand today and fight for the rights of built-in-wedgies! Say it with me! If fanny floss is good enough for females, it's good enough for _my_ assets!"

And The Creeveys on his sides stood. As did Harry and Crabbe and Dean, too. And then Draco Malfoy stood, resulting in every other Slytherin standing. And soon they were all chanting(in a tone that would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up), "If fanny floss is good enough for females, it's good enough for _my_ assets!" And before long there was a very '04 Super Bowl-like controversy that resulted in Ron being(much to Filch's delight) chianed up by his ankles in the dugeons beofre he could stuff his face and, as tradition, speak through his poataoes only to repeat his words in a minute because they were simply undecipherable. Yeah, this sucks potatoes.

"This could complicate our plan a bit." Harry whispered in a quite loud whisper(so she could hear him over the Creevey's sobs) to Hermione.

"No, not really," she responded, "I've read a book on this once. It was called How to Free One of Your Best Friends From the Clutches of the Quite Mad and Somewhat Horny Caretaker in Order to Sneak Out of School After Hours and Buy New Robes and Other Assorted Naughty Items or something like that."

"Oh, sound interesting, maybe you could lend it to me sometime." he whispered to her seductively.

"Oh, Harry," she whispered in a similar tone, "You know how much I _love_ to loan my books to you, but I'm afraid that _this_ one's in the restricted section."

"But, Hermy," he lowered his face so it was inches from her's, "You told me that _nothing_ was restricted."

"Oh, I did, didn't I? Well then, I can't break a promise, I'll have to show it to you sometime. But tonight, tonight we have to rescue Ronnie."

"God, Herm," Harry stood up, knocking heads with her as he did, "How come everytime things get naughty between up you bring Ron up? Why? Am I not good enough? It's the scar isn't it? Well _Trublend_ doesn't work, what do you expect me to do? I can't go for cosmetic surgery after what happened to Ron! I do not want to be locked in a motel room with a surgeon." he shuddered at the thought and sat down again. Harry realized right then that every person, creature and construction worker in the Great Hall was staring at him. He quickly stood up and yelled to a house elf in the corner, "The Jello Steak and Kidney Pie was fantastic!" Before sitting down and noticing Hermione rubbing her head where he knocked into her.

"Sorry." he mumbled.

"It's alright," she said, "Sometimes _I'm_ jealous of Ron too."

"Really?" he asked her.

"Sure," she looked suprised at his obliviousness to the last five years of suffering she had sat through, "Well there was the first time, when you two shared, like, half the stuff on the sweets cart together on the train, and then there was the time when you were about to sneak out with Neville to go meet two other guys in the trophy room and _then_ there was the time when you guys went into the forbidden forest together and came out in a battered up old car, I mean you never brought _me _into the backseat! And then the time you two took Lockhart down into the Chamber and wrestled with a giant snake and then there's all the time you're in Divination without me and then there's the whole quidditch thing, all that time you spend in the locker room _and_ you spend half his time on a broomstick practicing on _your's_ because it's faster! Plus you sleep in the same room everynight!"

"Buy, Hermy," Harry reasoned, "When we went back in time in the third year we hid in a broom closet together _and_ rode on a hippogriff together. Was your pelvis rubbing against the back of my arse on a giant bird/horse/lizard not enough for you?"

"Well," she smirked, "I guess that was a bit good."

"Yeah?" said a drawl from behind Harry, "But what about me, Potter? How come I never get to rub my pelvis on you?"

Harry turned around to see platinum blonde hair falling in the eyes of a sweaty, shirtless Malfoy because, hey, this is fan fiction, baby, and if Draco's wearing a shirt in _your_ story then you've got issues.

"Youre planning to sneak out aren't you?" he drawled twisting his body around seductively in the candlelight and Hermione saw a bit of drool leaking out of the corner of Harry's mouth.

"Yeah, you wanna come?" he asked.

"Come with us, you mean," Hermione added, quickly catching the inuendo with her intense intellectual abilities, "Come with us to Diagon Alley after dark."

"Yes!" Harry screamed. Draco continued to twirl, the Creeveys stopped crying.

"There'll be Mission Impossible music." Hermione added.

"Sure." Draco said, tilting his head the opposite way of his torso, "I'll come."

Harry giggled. Screw Ron, Malfoy's topless.


	6. if only i could sing

time for an author's note.

I have a new chapter but it's kinda not very funny right now. So as I edit and internally debate whether to post it or not, read this note.

I'm feeling VERY neglected since ONE PERSON reviewed last time! Not that I don't appreciate it, childofoceans, because, quite frankly, I'm in love with your writing ability and reread your story yesterday, but, come on people! Neglect is no fun. None at all. In fact, if I continue to be neglected I might just start to neglect _you_ and never update again. Not to say I wouldn't keep writing, because I enjoy this story too much not to, but I'd just never show anybody but the poor souls that were labeled my friends. let's take a break for caps lock.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW. NOW.

now even though I love this story, and I don't really have any difficulty whatsoever in writing it(in other words, this is one of those stories that are so arbitrary that writer's block simply does not _exsist_), I don't feel that it is challenging me. So if you care at all, and I assure you that this task is by no means difficult in any aspect, could you please please please(does repetition have any impact at all?) leave a completely random line for me to work into the story. Any line at all. With some respect to not making it, like, 408 words long and nearly impossible, of course.

song time!

if you love me and you know it,

plese review clap clap

if you hate me and you know it,

plese review clap clap

if you like my story at all, and you really want to show it,

plese review. clap clap

not optional. just do it.

oh, and if you want to leave suggestions for minor(but not large enough to actually indicate the exsistance of a plot) plotlines. like problems/character conflicts or such.

Thank you. and if you don't review I'll hate you forever.


	7. oh, to relive the torchlight

Chapter Six

That night Harry and Hermione snuck out of the Gryffindor common room. The Creeveys had nearly ripped them to shreds when they were told they couldn't go to Diagon Alley with Ron. They stopped when Hermy again whipped out her ultimately superior level of intelligence and sung them to sleep like a giant three-headed dog who's name is mildy ironic with a quick chorus of Weasley is our King. They seemed to relate to the song somehow. Dennis fell asleep, mumbling, "_Weasley can save anything, He never leaves a single ring..." _softly. **_FLASHBASK!_**

"Never thought of it that way." Harry said as they were walking away. He looked confused when he saw Hermy making jagged motions across her throat with her finger.

"Are you choking?" he asked firmly, recalling the posters he'd seen in a restaurant.

"_No_," she hissed in a very un-Hermy manner, "_That was obvious slash! Are you trying to get us killed off?_"

Harry's mouth formed a perfect circle.

"Quick!" Hermy said panically(don't bother to look it up, it's a word, I already did. I swear. Don't go near that dictionary!), "Let's do something to cancel out the gayerousity(that one too) of that statement!"

"Okay," Harry ran his fingers through his hair really frustratedly, "Let's think of a completely original situation in which the two of us would end up in positively not queer positions."

"Right," Hermione mumbled, "I know! Let's pretend that you're awesomely depressed because Sirius died and you are the boy who lived and I'm the sexually deprived best friend who comes running in to see whatever is the matter and realize that omg! you're sexually deprived too so then we end up in ungay positions professing our suddenly undying love for each other!"

"Wow!" Harry said, impressed "you're amazing!"

"You dont look depressed, we should dye your hair black or something." Hermy said tilting her head and putting her index finger on her temple in ponderment(don't even bother).

"My hair is black." he said.

"Oh yeah, coal black hair, emerald eyes, blah blah blah. I forgot."

Harry looked hurt, tears welling up in his lilypad(hey, it's more original than your's) colored eyes.

"Oh Harry!" Hermione said, running into his arms. They felt so welcoming, like she was always meant to be yawn in his arms. Something something warm something romance something something always wanted something something never knew something something lips crash(oh how sweet, look how their lips are smashing into each other like demolition derby cars.) something something towards bed something something push something something OW, NO PILLOW TO SUPPORT OUR LOVERLY(that was intending to point out that they are now considered lovers. woot for totally unobvious diction) HEADS!

"Well that ruined the moment." Harry said, rubbing the back of his skull vigorously.

"Yeah but we've cancelled out the homosexuality and somewhat purified the story." Hermy replied.

"Like Brita. And also delayed the moment when you finally lose your virginity to me creating suspence that will keep the readers minds off whatever me, Malfoy, Ron, and the Creeveys happen to be doing in that broom closet downstairs."

"Wait, I'm still a virgin?" she asked.

"Yup."

"Damn." Hermione said, then suddenly exclaimed, "Downstairs! "We're supposed to be picking up Malfoy then saving Ron and then going shopping! We're late!"

"If only there was some way that might exsist in this universe or even in this room cough cough hint hint that would conveniently send us back in time and help us save more than one innocent life, I mean break out Ron and go shopping." Harry said downinthedumpsily(looked that one up too).

"Wait!" Harmione said, "Dumbledore let me have the time turner back this year because it adds more of a plot!" She pulled out the tiny hourglass on its gold chain. The chain suddenly remembered its point and grew four feet. Hermy flung the chain around Harry's neck and flipped the time turner over. **_FLASHBACK! _** Whoosh!

Harry and Hermione suddenly appeared in the same spot. Only an hour before. Congrats to Hogwarts on successfully turning into a giant clock(with the assistance of Alfonso Cuaron, of course. He's so good with subtle foreshadowing in imagery).

Hermione tucked the suddenly one foot long chain into her her (old) robes again and they set off towards the dungeons. The moment they stepped into the hallway they heard someone approaching.

"_It's us!_" Hermy whispered, "_We mustn't be seen!_"

"_I know!_" Harry whispered back, "_Do you think I'm stupid_(we don't say stupid)"

"_Do you want me to answer that?_" Hermy whispered as she shoved him into a broom closet to hide from themselves. Again. **FLASHBACK!** Good times, good times.

"Well this is certainly a lowered level of gayerousity." Harry whispered suggestively.

"It certainly is." she whispered, pushing closer to him in the dark. Harry found it highly dissapointing that despite the large mass of fanfiction readers that believe Hermione will come back to Hogwarts in her sixth year "bustin' out," her chest was as flat as always.

"Damn." he whispered. Hermy was about to ask what was wrong when a voice rang out from the back of the closet.

"Who's there?" It was Neville. Neville _had_ changed over the summer holiday. Boy, had he changed.

His hair was no longer one shade of flat brown, but of perfectly wavy multi dimensional color. His chest and arms were sculpted perfectly because of all the chasing after Trevor he'd had to do over the summer. Hey, he doesn't play Quidditch, what else would perfectly sculpt his muscles with an unrealistic lack of effort? He was wearing georgeous purple boxers with somewhat of a bulge in them, just to make you cringe. He had a silk dressing gown on that looked distinctly like Dumbledore's. In fact, it was Dumbledore's, his name was embroidered into the breast pocket on the right side in gold lettering.

"Neville," Hermione gasped after giving him a once-over six times, "why are you wearing the Headmaster's dressing gown?" Headmaster. I get it.

That was _not_ obvious.

"I...um..." Neville studdered like he was wearing Voldemort in an ugly, garlic-smelling, purple turban on his head, "I...Did you notice my _SWEET_ new muscles!" He flexed his biceps. Both Harry and Hermione's jaws dropped. Neville stopped flexing and they shut their mouths.

"Where are you two going?" he asked, flipping his freshly highlighted hair sexily. Oh-so-sexily.

"To rescue Ron from Filch's clutches. We heard he's got new handcuffs this year." Hermy told him, barely able to contain her drool.

"He hasn't got them in yet." Neville told her as he inspected his nails carefully, "You can't go out. You'll be caught again, Gryffindor will be in even more trouble." **_FLASHBACK!_**

"You don't understand," said Harry, "This is important."

"I won't let you do it. I'll-" Neville again flipped his _SWEET_ hair, "I'll fight you." He stuck out his finely chiseled chest. Dumbledore's dressing gown slid off his shoulders and he posed for a moment before hiking the sleeves up again and announcing, "I'll just go with you this time, I don't feel like being turned all rigid again tonight." I think he was reffering to Hermione's _Petrificus Totalus_ charm in their first year. Maybe. Although _that_ wouldn't explain why he's wearing Dumbledore's dressing gown.

"Fine," Harry told him, "Just cover up your chest or we'll never get very far."

The three of them set out in the hall and this time that _actually_ reached Filch's office.

"Potter, is that you?" a voice drawled from the darkest of the shadows. Draco stepped out, proving that his awesome shirtlessness was just as amazing in torchlight as it was in candlelight.

"Who goes there?" Filch came rnning down the hallway. Neville used his newly developed common sense and jumped next to Draco. Draco twisted and conorted in his body in the glowing light as Neville flexed his Trevor-chasing muscles next to him. That kept Filch occupied very well.

Harry and Hermione snuck around him, unnoticed, and unhooked Ron from the old chains holding him to the ceiling. He followed them out into the hallway and they all admired Neville and Draco with their heads cocked to the side for a moment. Then Harry suddenly realized that they were supposed to be shopping and tore his eyes from the ultimate entertainment. He out a memory charm on Filch and they all ran out to the Entrance Hall as fast as they could. Now Draco's sweaty. Giggle.

"_Neville,_" Ron exclaimed, "get away from that hole and don't be an idiot." **_DOUBLE FLASHBACK!_**

Neville reluctantly stepped away from Draco. Damn.


End file.
